back to life, back to reality

Well, I've nearly made it through my first year as a baby administrator. Our seniors graduate tomorrow, my halls are mostly closed with the exception of some stragglers, and I didn't have to light anyone's shit on fire ala Angela Bassett to get them out (though I thank Jana kindly for the tip). If you've ever wondered what it's like to be on the other side of that cushy dormitory you lived in your freshman year, I offer this mock outgoing e-mail and voicemail that my friend Aliya wrote this week:


Hello,

My name is Alison Inaz and yes, I am probably the person you would like to talk to. Before you leave your message, I have a few directions, thoughts, and words of advice for you:

1. We have a website for a reason. The dates and times of move out are listed on this website and have been since the beginning of the semester so whatever little Joaney or Peter communicated to you was probably wrong or a lie. Next time, check the dates yourself!

2. Contrary to popular belief, we will leave your child standing on the side of the road with all of their belongings. Yes it may be raining and yes wild animals do run the streets of our town but again a policy is a policy so we all must abide by it.

3. When you come to move your son or daughter out of the residence hall do not ask me for a garbage bag, a box, or anything that will transport items from one place to another. We don't have anymore and if we did, we wouldn't give it to you because that would mean we have to give it to everyone else. We are cheap! Why do you think we charge $30,000 a year to go to this school. BRING YOUR OWN!

4. And lastly, if your child is filthy, trifling, or just likes to break things it is in your best interest not to fight me on the charges for the damages made to his or her room. You will not win and I am a very persistent so you may as well leave me some money now, because depending on what they have done, you may need to go ahead and make a down payment.

In closing, if your question, comment or concern does not apply to any of the above you may leave your message but keep in mind that I will be dealing with the many other helicopter, control freak, disrespectful and annoying parents so I may not get back to you until next week.

Have a great day!!!

My re-entry last weekend was a little rough. Suffice it to say that it was hard to wake up on Saturday, realize I had no groceries in the house, and then also realize there was absolutely no place in town to get a decent bite to eat after having been in one of the country's culinary meccas. Never fear, gentle readers, my girls and I are headed to the big city this evening to remedy that and do a little carousing.