leave a message and i'll call you back

My parents are, for better or worse, Luddites. Sure, they're familiar with personal computing and have some decent machines in their home, but I had to beg for them to buy our first family computer when I was in the 8th grade. Every other piece of technological equipment, save the television, has been because of, from, or for me. The VCR (they don't own a DVD player) is from my 13th birthday when I requested a sleepover with movies. The cordless telephone is a Christmas gift I gave them a couple years ago (before that they had corded ones all over the house and on the walls). The answering machine was mine when I was in college, and I brought it home and set it up in their house when I was living with them after graduation and needed a place for potential employers to leave me messages. They hate the answering machine and are really bad at checking it or using it.

So, when my mom got her first cell phone last week, I expected a bit of an adjustment period. I haven't seen the phone yet, but I imagine it's the smallest, most high tech little piece of plastic she's ever held. Conversations with her go like this:

...ring, ring...
...ring, ring...
...ring, ring...
...ring, ring...

Disembodied voice: The number you are dialing, 414-555-1212, is not available right now. Please leave a message after the tone.

...tone...

Hi, mom, it' sme. Just calling you on your new phone. Give me a call when you get a chance. Love you, bye!

(pause 4 minutes while my mom tries to find the phone she heard ringing in her bottomless purse)

...ring, ring... goes my phone

Me: Hi, Mom!
Mom: HI BOO. DID YOU JUST CALL ME?
Me (turns down volume): Yep, I did. How's it going?
Mom: I THOUGHT THAT WAS YOU CALLING, SO I DECIDED TO CALL YOU BACK ON MY PHONE.
Me: (to self) Pretty sure you had confirmation it was me via Caller ID... (to her) Cool! How is that going?
Mom: (MORE LOUD TALKING)

The novelty of the cell phone has not yet worn out on her, either. It's really cute. She called me while I was driving home from Trader Joe's on Sunday afternoon. It was around dinnertime back in Wisco and we had talked the day before, but only briefly, so she said she'd call me back.

Me: Hi, Mom. What's up?
Mom: (noisy restaurant sounds in background) HI ALI. I AM AT DINNER WITH YOUR GRANDMOTHER AND YOUR AUNTS AND UNCLES. DO YOU WANT TO TALK TO THEM??
Me: (to self) You mean the aunts and uncles I never talk to except at family holidays and get togethers? (to her) No, no, that's okay.
Mom: ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT TO TALK WITH YOUR GRANDMOTHER?
Me: (sighs) Yeah, okay, I can do that.

Grandma: Oh! Hello?
Me: Hi Grandma. How are you?
Grandma: I'm good! We are out to dinner with everyone. Oh! ooooh! There are lots of people here so I'll pass you on, okay?
Me: No, no, Grandma, that's okay. Can you just give me back to my mom?

Aunt Janeen: (laughing) Hi Alison. How are you?
Me: I'm good, but I didn't really want to be passed on. Can you give me back to my mom, please?
AJ: Sure!

(I hear scuffling and confusion)

Mom: Hi Boo, oh you wanted to talk to your grandmother again?
Me: No, NOOOOOOOOO! Mom! No!
Grandma: Hello? I thought with so many people you'd want to talk only briefly!
Me: (sighs)