it came back.

Picture this: I am driving home from running some errands and the sun is shining brightly. Out of nowhere, it feels as if the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders and I am smiling like a fool. For a long time now, the last time I can remember feeling really, truly happy was around my 26th birthday. That's a long time to go without happiness. It is 1 year, 6 months and 17 days, to be exact. But it came back and I cannot stop talking about it.

Partly, I attribute this to the love of some very good friends and family. People who worried about me, and prayed for me, and loved me despite the fact that nearly everytime we talked over the last two years, I had something even more damaging to share than the last bit of news. People who believed I would be okay, even when I didn't. And it's true; there have been countless times when I didn't know if I would be okay again. I have always tried to surround myself with good people, loving people who understand me, and so I have so many of you to thank for seeing me through.

I am not only okay, but I am happy.

Partly, I attribute this to finding again some of my own locus of control. Us control freaks do not like it when it is wrested from our very hands. But if anything, I have learned to let go and now, more than ever, make my own experience and take advantage of shared experience, as well. It is true that the losses and sadness of the past two years are still a part of me, and in many cases, likely will remain so for a very long time. But they are no longer an injurious part of me, looming overhead. And the proof of this is that I am smiling again.