if today had a theme, this would be it

Can you fix this? It's a broken heart.
It was fine, but it just fell apart.
It was mine, but now I give it to you,
Cause you can fix it, you know what to do.
--Dar Williams, "Family"

another turning point

Ciao, Tucson. Love y'all.

I, of course, picked the hottest day of the year (so far) to move and ship all of my worldly belongings. The projected high was supposed to be 109, but I have no idea what the actual high was except So Searingly Hot That My Seatbelt Burned My Fingers.

I took 10 boxes to UPS and 250 pounds of books to the Post Office. The lady at the post office was pretty surly at first--apparently she had a back injury awhile ago and can't lift much (I have some sympathy for that, but all it took was asking one of her co-workers to do the lifting for her and besides, I am fairly certain that her job description probably requires her to be able to lift as much as they will ship). She wasn't thrilled to get me as a customer and interrogated me as to the contents of the packages (I sent them Media Mail, the cheapest way I know how). When I told her that they were all books (slight lie, but it is all media--books, CDs and magazines) she looked incredulous that someone would have five! whole! boxes! of! books! They were stamped with "MEDIA MAIL (pending inspection)." I wonder how they inspect? X-ray?

At any rate, I apologized to my body by getting a pedicure later in the afternoon. Now if only the rest of my house would magically pack itself...

now listening

Hey there Delilah
What's it like in New York City
I'm a thousand miles away
But girl tonight you look so pretty
Yes you do
Time Square can't shine as bright as you
I swear it's true

Hey there Delilah
Don't you worry about the distance
I'm right there if you get lonely
Give this song another listen
Close your eyes
Listen to my voice it's my disguise
I'm by your side

Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
What you do to me

Hey there Delilah
I know times are getting hard
But just believe me girl
Someday I'll pay the bills with this guitar
We'll have it good
We'll have the life we knew we would
My word is good

Hey there Delilah
I've got so much left to say
If every simple song I wrote to you
Would take your breath away
I'd write it all
Even more in love with me you'd fall
We'd have it all

Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me

A thousand miles seems pretty far
But they've got planes and trains and cars
I'd walk to you if I had no other way
Our friends would all make fun of us
But we'll just laugh along because we know
That none of them have felt this way
Delilah I can promise you
That by the time that we get through
The world will never ever be the same
And you're to blame

Hey there Delilah
You be good and don't you miss me
Two more years and you'll be done with school
And I'll be making history like I do
You'll know it's all because of you
We can do whatever we want to
Hey there Delilah here's to you
This one's for you

Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
What you do to me
--The Plain White T's

letters

To the people who live on our street:

I'm sorry. I am really, truly sorry that my car went haywire at approximately 9:10 last night and would not stop honking for nearly an hour. Believe me, I wanted to be sleeping, too.

To the dealership that worked on my car yesterday:

I'm blaming last night's fiasco on you.

To our front steps:

I really hope today marks the last day I ever faceplant on you, because it was really unpleasant.

To the people of Craigslist Tucson:

Stop being so flaky and buy my shit already.

To the ulnar nerve in my left arm:

Eff you. I need that elbow, dammit.

To the guys at Goodwill:

Thank you for making my donation process effortless and very fast today.

viva las vegas

Hello. I went to Las Vegas last week and mostly wish I were still there instead of packing and doing dumb moving crap in Tucson. At any rate, I saw slot machines like this:



and also asked Second City to do a sketch about something "you get really excited about, just something you're super passionate about," which was, of course, feminism. Interestingly, the sketch immediately turned into "I am woman, hear me roar" and lessons on how to be a woman. I also yelled "DO YOU GO DOWN?" during the show and Heidi got them to do a sketch about Wisconsin porn ("I would like a sausage now please."), so maybe it evened out. We also drank some stranger's white wine. 'Cause it was free.

On our second morning there, I did something so colossally stupid that I couldn't get my heart to slow down for a full five minutes. I was playing some slot machine and had my tote bag, open (mistake #1), on the seat beside me. Not really a big deal as the casino was slow and as long as I was paying attention to my machine, it was within my view. However, the bag was open (see #1 again) and cash, cards, etc were visible to anyone walking by. And then I allowed myself to be distracted by some kid who was probably only barely 21 (mistake #2), who asked why I was sitting alone and where my husband was, and told me I was too, too pretty to be sitting alone. It was not until he left that I realized this would be the perfect diversionary tactic--my chair was swiveled and eyes were on him the whole 60s or so he was talking to me and my bag, of course, was unattended. Thankfully, nothing was missing when I searched it as soon as he left.

Big wins on a Wheel of Fortune machine at Planet Hollywood (I put in $3, it gave me $225, even though it was clearly offended that I was so intoxicated), a dollar slot at Wynn ($145), and at craps at Circus Circus ($300!!!!!). I am never playing anything but craps ever again.

just like a porn star

So we had a garage sale this weekend, in an effort to get rid of stuff and make some money. We had some utterly crazy folks over the two days--people who were waiting in their cars in front of our house at 6:30 AM (the sale didn't start til 7:30!), etc. On Friday morning, I left the porch to take a shower while Shannon manned the sale. Apparently, he got a lot of business while I was gone, but none so interesting as the guy I'm about to describe.

You all will recall the Clone A Willy Fiasco of December, in which I was mistakenly shipped a, well, Clone a Willy kit. It took months to resolve and in the end, Amazon and its partner company didn't end up demanding the kit back, so it has happily spent months in Casa 921. The garage sale seemed like a good opportunity to unload it, so I set it up by the electronics and the kitchen stuff.

At any rate, a man at our sale was pretty intrigued by the kit and was asking Shannon questions about it, saying he was going to a bachelor party and wouldn't this be a funny joke, etc. A few minutes later, he asked Shannon if we had any dirty movies for sale. No, no we didn't. Still later, he asked Shannon if by chance we had a cord for a vibrating mattress? He had purchased the mattress at another sale and it didn't come with the power cord. Sadly, Shannon told him, we did not have the cord for the vibrating mattress. The man eventually passed on buying the Clone a Willy kit.

Instead, he bought my old swimsuit.